


Just in case you might wanna have a feeling one day

by MadSophHatter



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Angst, Backstory, Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode s01e04 The Butcher's Knife Cares not for the Lamb's Cry, Established Relationship, Feelings, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of Death, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-15 22:39:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12330282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MadSophHatter/pseuds/MadSophHatter
Summary: The fallout of Stamets' little outburst in medbay. When he comes home to his quarters after a long and straining day, Culber lets him know, just how unhappy he was with that statement about unnecessary emotions and memories.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Since Discovery has not given me my space gays yet, I wrote them myself. Since there's not much to work with yet I took a lot of liberty with the characterisation. I hope you like it anyway. I want them to be cute.

Lieutenant Paul Stamets was still in a state of euphoria when he entered his quarters. Not only had the tardigrade made his spore drive work, they had also saved the lives of the dilithium miners. This was the first silver lining after Straal’s death. Just remembering his horribly deformed body sent chills down Paul’s spine. So he tried to push the memories away and hold on to the euphoria.

“Oh look, he’s in a better mood now.” The icy look on Hugh’s face brought back the chills. “Probably happy now that I saved your emotions, I guess.”

Paul groaned quietly. He deserved this. His little outburst in sickbay had been unwarranted to say the least. 

“I was mad at Lorca”, Paul hurried to say, but he didn’t even get as far as apologizing.

“Don’t you think I know that by now?” Hugh did not raise his voice. “He was way out of line. But then, so were you.” 

Hugh had been in the process of undressing upon Paul’s entry. Now he turned his back, continued taking off his uniform jacket and folded it neatly – all his movements exact and deliberate. The tension in the room was almost palpable. Paul was strangely relieved by this. This forced calm had possessed his fiancé for too long. It was time for an eruption. Ever since the death of Paul’s colleague and best friend, Hugh had been patient and understanding – taking all the silent brooding and increasingly scathing sarcasm Paul had thrown at him due to his pain.

It had to stop – and soon. Paul’s service on the Discovery had already stretched their relationship thin.

“Listen, I’m sorry, Hugh. It’s just that he makes me so angry. He doesn’t understand anything about how research works and…”

“I know.” Hugh cut him off and turned around pointedly. His chocolate brown eyes looked darker than usual, stormy. “But that’s no excuse for you snapping at me like that. Especially not in front of my staff!”

“I’m sorry.” Paul’s voice was shaking as he saw the anger and hurt contorting his lover’s face.

“I know. I bet you are. And frankly, I don’t care!” Hugh had taken a few steps toward him, stepping into Paul’s personal space. “You can be such an egoistic arrogant prick sometimes.” His voice was raising, but it remained just below shouting. “Don’t you think I know that there are quite a few emotions and memories you’d like to be able to switch off? I get it. I understand. But have you thought about what that bullshit sounded like to me? Do you have any idea how it makes me feel when you deny your emotions like that? It sounds like your feelings for me are worth nothing to you.”

Hugh’s voice broke on the last sentence. He stepped back, seemingly surprised by his own words, as if he’d only just acknowledged that hurt for himself. Unshed tears made his eyes shine in the hard artificial lighting.

Paul was shaking. Every muscle in his body was straining to reach out to his lover, to comfort him. But he was sure right now his touch wouldn’t be welcome. Paul cringed as he repeated what he’d said in sickbay in his head. He had fucked up big time. Those words had been for Lorca’s benefit. He’d been so overcome with rage and frustration that for a moment he’d forgotten that Hugh was standing right there, listening to him too.

“I’m sorry.” It sounded inadequate and hollow to his own ears. “I didn’t think.”

Hugh snorted. “For such a smart person you seem to do that a lot.” A single tear was rolling down his cheek now, but it didn’t diminish the look of fury on his face. He wasn’t finished yet. “So let me tell you what you should think of the next time you want to talk shit like that. You can think of how I felt when I heard what happened on the Glenn. I got to analyse Tilly’s data and it was terrifying. You can think of how it makes me feel that your experiments can make the same thing happen to you, to all of us. You can imagine what I’d do if you actually had brain damage, if you lost your memory or your capacity for emotion. You can imagine how I feel, knowing that you’re in the same room as that monster that tore Landry to pieces. And while you’re at it you might want to consider what it feels like standing over the dead body of a crew member unable to help them even though that’s your job. You could also remember that when I’m faced with such things I usually calm myself with the knowledge that we’re on the same ship, that if your experiments fail, we all die. So at least I won’t have to live with losing you.”

He was crying in earnest now. It was a mystery to Paul how Hugh could keep his voice so steady , pressing all of that out. His own breathing was ragged with sobs, his shoulders shaking violently. Paul’s vision had gone blurry as tears welled up in his eyes too. Why was he such an idiot? How could he keep hurting the man he loved like that?

“I’m so sorry, Hugh.” It came out as a whisper. All air had been knocked out of Paul’s lungs. He wanted to hold Hugh with every fibre in his body, but he wasn’t sure if his touch would be welcome now. He was still debating if he should take a step toward his lover, when he was already pulled into a strong embrace. 

“I know. I love you.”

It felt like he was holding on to Hugh for dear life. Paul was sobbing uncontrollably while his fiancé cried more calmly. It always ended like this. Strong arms cradling him, all his emotion pouring out in this save place where he could hear Hugh’s heartbeat. Crying like this was cathartic. Paul could already feel some of the weight of the last days sliding off his shoulders.

After some time Hugh manoeuvred him toward the bed. By the time they were lying down, Paul’s face pressed into Hugh’s chest, both of them had mostly stopped crying. The occasional sob ragged through Paul’s body as his lover stroked comforting circles on his back. Paul had needed this badly. Now all the tension was slowly draining from his body.


	2. You're cute when you have feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just fluff. It takes place directly after chapter 1.

He had fallen asleep at some point, but not for long obviously. When Paul woke up, the light was low. Hugh was on his back, Paul’s head resting against his chest. He almost purred as strong fingers carded through his hair. This was the best part of fighting and crying and letting it all out – Hugh was there to comfort him. Solid and soft and steady. Of course, Hugh was always there for him, always more than willing to offer comfort. The problem was that most of the time Paul was unable to accept that comfort.

Throughout his childhood he’d always been the odd one out – too smart for his own good, too socially awkward to shut up when it would have been clever, too interested in weird stuff like mushrooms, too effeminate to please his old-fashioned parents or be accepted at the school they’d chosen for him. He had learned early on to lash out. Bullies like Lorca only ever continued on when they realised they’d hurt you. So Paul had learned to hide his feelings behind witticisms or sarcasm and in some cases arrogant insults. He had become so good at hiding his pain behind the arrogant antisocial scientist façade that it was difficult to drop the act when he was safe with Hugh or even on his own. He’d given up crying alone in his room when he was twelve and had only rediscovered the cleansing effect of tears after his first big fight with Hugh.

The memory of that first argument was gruesome, but the knowledge that it had only brought them closer together made Paul smile against his fiancé’s chest. The fingers in his hair stilled. Hugh’s attention wandered from the padd he’d been studying over to him. 

“What are you smiling about, sleeping beauty?” His voice was warm and soft like a blanket now. 

“I’m just happy that by now I know that me being an arrogant egoistic prick isn’t enough to make you leave me.” That had been the fear that had led to his tears after their first fight. When his calm patient sweet lover had gotten angry, Paul had been certain that Hugh’d walk out on him and never come back.

Hugh chuckled. “You’re lucky you’re a fucking handsome arrogant egoistic prick.” He pulled Paul closer and pressed a soft kiss against his lips. Paul was grateful for the reassurance, he still felt raw and fragile, his defences still down.

“You’re not getting rid of me so easily, babe”, Hugh continued. “I’m sorry I got all emotional.” His eyes were soft as velvet now. But his brow furrowed in wariness.

Paul reached up and caressed his cheek in order to chase that expression away. “You had every right. I’m sorry I made you a casualty of my quarry with Lorca.” Hugh fondly rolled his eyes at the blasé choice of words. “I love you”, Paul added and pulled the other man’s face down for another kiss. 

It took a while before they came up for air. “I love you too, babe.” It sounded a little breathless and Paul found that hot.

As he sat up, his look graced the padd, now lying abandoned next to Hugh on the mattress. “What have you been reading?”

“Oh, just the report on Ripper – a fitting name for that beast if you ask me. If that thing’s sharing your lab with you, I wanna know exactly what it’s capable of.” 

The worry on Hugh’s face was plain to see. And while it was probably very reasonable, it still rubbed Paul the wrong way. Somehow he felt misunderstood on the tardigrade’s behalf. Of course he’d been just as terrified of “Ripper” and what it could do as anyone else, but seeing the creature interact with his fungi had moved something in Paul, that he hadn’t even known was there. He had found it … adorable - for the lack of a better word. His indignation on Ripper’s behalf seemed to be showing on his face. Hugh was giving him a curious look.

The words “It’s harmless” were coming to Paul’s mind. Luckily he remembered what Hugh had said about Landry, who had been torn to pieces by the animal. While Paul had no doubt that that had been her own or Lorca’s fault, he didn’t want to dismiss his fiancé’s horror and pain. So he weighed his words more carefully.

“Make sure you read Burnham’s comments on the tardigrade. She found out how to deal with it on an almost friendly basis.” 

Hugh’s eybrow raised at that. “So we don’t hate her anymore?”, he asked playfully.

Paul chuckled as he remembered how he’d ranted about the decidedly non-Vulcan mutineer that had been transferred to his lab against his wishes. Like the great fiancé he was, Hugh had supported him in his seething and insults without taking them too seriously.

“I hate to admit it, but she’s clever.” Hugh pulled his eyebrow impossibly higher at that high praise, prompting another laugh. “Really! Burnham can think like a scientist and unlike most of the crew she doesn’t religiously listen to Lorca. I can respect that. I might even decide to like her someday.” Now it was Hugh’s turn to chuckle, the soft rumble of his chest deliciously rocking Paul. He couldn’t help but join in at the “As if!”-look he was receiving from his lover.

“Ok, maybe I won’t go that far. But she is right about Ripper. It’s not a predator. It only attacks when cornered and you should have seen it with my mushrooms. It talked to them … quite happily.” Paul blushed, feeling a bit silly. The look of fondness on Hugh’s face swept any embarrassment away though.

“So you’re telling me it’s vicious and deadly when it defends itself, but adorable when it talks to mushrooms? Hm. That kinda reminds me of someone.” More chuckles, more soft rumbling and more blushing on Paul’s part. It was still a bit incredible when this beautiful man called him adorable. How did he even deserve someone, who could love him for being theabsolute nerd he was? 

Suddenly Paul was flooded with emotion. Right, his defences were still down, all his feelings still painfully close to the surface. The stress and tension of the last days were still eating away at him and his eyes started stinging with unshed tears. He felt immensely stupid, but the fact that Hugh was here with him, holding him, loving him exactly the way he was, was making him happy and grateful enough to cry. A silent sob shook his body. He hid his face against Hugh’s chest. It was all too much.

Strong arms pulled him closer as he tried to swallow down the tears. “You ok, babe?” Hugh’s voice was just as much of a carress as his fingers rubbing circles on Paul’s back again.

It took a while before Paul trusted his voice not to break. “I’m fine.” He murmured it against Hugh’s body, slowly regaining control over his emotions. “I just got a bit overwhelmed by how much I love you.” 

Paul knew he’d be embarrassed by that admission later, and right now he was grateful that he could press his hot face against Hugh, so that the other man couldn’t see his violent blush. Of course he would still see his red ears and neck, but that wasn’t quite the same. And it meant that Hugh knew when his blush had diminished enough so that it was safe to raise Paul’s head with gentle hands. Paul’s eyes were bright from unshed tears as they came to rest on Hugh’s warm gaze. The fondness in his eyes was breathtaking. Now Paul was grateful as his lover pulled him into a heated kiss, before he could blush again.

Paul was panting hard when they finally parted. Hugh’s voice was rough as he whispered next to his ears, “You’re cute when you have feelings.”

That made him grin like an idiot. “Well, thanks for saving them then.” 

Hugh chuckled as he started undoing the fastenings of the uniform jacket Paul was still wearing. He contently hummed against a bit of skin he had just layed bare, making Paul gasp.

“I have a few ideas how you can compensate me for that.”


End file.
